I've been going to therapy for six months now. It's really helped me a lot even though every friday, I dread going and sitting in the waiting room with copies of magazines no one reads like Cat Fancy and trying to decide what to talk about.

Breakthroughs/Insights that I've had:

-I feel like a victim and I continue to feel like a victim of my early life. I feel inadaquate in all aspects of my life because I feel like a failure and inherently bad because of the connections with my mother, even though the entire theme of my life has been to do the oppisite to try to prove that I am not inherently bad. All of this isn't the case but this is essentially the root of why I have the negative feelings I have.

-I'm scared of talking to those I care about important life goals with the people that are most important to me because I am ultimately afraid I will make them unhappy or I will let them down, because the dialog in my head that tells me i'm inherently bad. The same reason as to why I don't like getting close to most people is because I'm afraid either they will find out I'm a horrible person or that they will let me down.

-I've come through the denial and fear about the debt I have. I have decided to declare bankruptcy. Which is not a decision I would have previously made. I am scared of the uncertainty of the future, but for the first time I'm ok with being uncertain about things.

-I've decided that I do not want to be a fashion stylist any longer. As a result, with my work, so much of the pressure is off and I feel like my anxiety is much less than it was, a year ago. I also have a lot less negative dialog in my head when it comes to work and the people I work with. I also feel happier because I don't feel inadaquate and I feel like I will eventually be free to live a richer and fuller life than those people that I work around that don't take time out for themselves or are caught up in super-hyper-materialism and are emotionally bankrupt and insecure otherwise. I'm not sure what I want to do exactly but I'm waiting to be able to afford some work shops and classes so I can explore a bit.

-I have decided and have come to terms with that, I do not want a relationship with my mother until she can get help for herself. I feel used, manipulated, and the more I think about how I grew up and how she and my family was never truly there for me when I needed them most, the angrier and more sad I get. I have checked on her, but I have not spoken to her in over 5 months. I do worry but a lot of my worry and anxiety is gone because she's not in my life.

I'm a lot happier than I was six months ago even though right now, my future seems bleak. I haven't been shopping nearly as much and my moods are much more level than they used to be.