Such a classic excuse it should be bronze by now..

Jim and I are kind of in a tough spot.

He's selling his old G4 and a screen he hasn't used for it that he bought during the summer. I'm taking basically nearly everything I own and never wear to Beacon's Closet.

Belvedere might be sold to the glue factory. Charlie is going to get a cat agent. Either that or live out a period of his life like Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby.

I'm trying to tell myself it's going to be ok.

There's plenty of fancy technology, clothes, and cats to be had still..

So I haven't posted anything in a long while and I've decided it's time to try to keep up on this thing.

Things are ok. Worried about some things but overall everything is good.

I started Massage Therapy school almost two months ago. It's been difficult yet very new and positive experince to have to be in my body, learning to be in my body, being with another human being in such an intimate and compassionate way. Lots of growing pains for sure. I'm not the best, but that's not really the point for me. I'm still not sure if it's exactly the right fit for me but I feel like I'm on the correct path or near where I need to be.

I've really enjoyed starting to learn about the human body. I'm starting to have a greater appreciation for our bodies, what they do, and how perfect they are. It's mind-blowing to me that nature over billions of years can evolve life into a living organisim so complex and beautiful with all of its perfectly working systems. It's almost unbelievable to me.

It's also made me much more away of what we do to our bodies and I find that I've started to have much more compassionate and empathetic thoughts about people I see on the train or on the street in regards to their bodies. How painful it must be for an older person who's hunchedback to have posture like that or how difficult and tragic it is to see someone so obese that they have a hard time doing simple daily activites.

I feel like I've become much more aware of my bad habits, how I treat my physical self, and how I wish to live and wish to have optimal health well into old age. So it's been really great in a lot of ways!

Important Influences part 1- raised by the television

So a friend of mine posted a video on Facebook I forgot about but was a huge influence on me when I was 4 and 5 and really explains everything and why I am the way I am:

Seriously, this was my first impression of what a fashion show was like. I wanted to BE Miss Piggy. In this scene from The Great Muppet Caper she is the epitome of feminine beauty and glamour. I wanted to swim around with syncronized swimmers and I often practice when we would go to the public pool during the summer. When I was the Student of the Week in Kindergarden I think I even said I wanted to be a syncronized swimmer like Miss Piggy when I grew up but my teacher told me that it wasn't a real career and then asked me what else I wanted to be and she put down "nurse" for me.

This let me to think about other influences of televison and movies in my formative years that were important to me that make me the person I am today. I thought I would provide a photo and video list of these things...

First and formost:

Miss Donna Summer. Specifically dressed up in her gorgeous pink waitress outfit. I would make my mother play "She Works Hard for the Money" over and over starting when I was 2 or 3. I thought the lyric was "She Works Hard for Mommy" I was obsessed with Donna. Around the time I was interested in her, another music icon emerged. For the longest, I though they were the same person. Donna Summer apparently sounds a lot like Madonna to a 3 year old.

Madonna was a big influence too, specifcally in this outfit:

Who reminded me of two of my ultimate fashion icons, Peaches and Cream Barbie:

And Dream Glow Barbie:

"We Girls can do anything. Like Barbie!" Oh silly 2nd wave feminist advertising executives.

Which brings me to another strong woman of the 80s:

Mary Lou. I totally had the leotard when I was a kid. I think my favorite is that horrible dribble of milk on her face at the end..

I totally would wear my Mary Lou Retton leotard and dance around with a ribbon on a stick in the front yard.

Part 2 to come later!!

Time to get serious..

I signed all my bankruptcy paperwork today. I'm not sure where it is at now, I'm assuming with interest I have about $55,000.00 in credit card debt. I'm still nervous about a lot of things. I feel like there are some things stacked against me. However, I am feeling better about a few things I was worried about and that despite the outcome, even if it's shitty and horrible, it'll be over soon.

I'll still be in debt from the school loan I just took out but that's ok and a good investment.

For now, lets assume all is going to go swimmingly and talk about the things I'm looking forward AFTER the discharge:

-Really strict budgeting. I haven't been as careful as I have been since I stopped paying my credit cards but it's definitely has simplified things for me and it's not nearly as hard as I thought it would be getting by. In all, I'd say, I'm less stressed about money than BEFORE I stopped paying my credit cards. I want to really start to buckle down though.

-Saving all the money I can! I've become so much smarter about the purchases I do make and I feel like I buy a lot less things out of feeling "entitled" to them. I can't wait to save an emergency fund and then, eventually save for large things I want. :)

-Starting an IRA. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to starting some sort of retirement fund. I hope to save 100.00 a month if I can manage for 2-3 years and eventually go up to 200.00 a month after that.

-Health Insurance! I think there's not much to say besides that. For me, its tax deductible! If I can afford it or not really depends on what I'm making while I'm in school.

-Getting ahead on tax payments! Yes, actually paying ESTIMATED taxes until waiting until April to sort it all out.

Let's just hope that things go well for me...

Weird Purgatory.

Ok. So, I'm going through a lot of transitions right now.

1. I start school in January.

2. I'm having problems with my apartment/property manager in regards to my apartment being low-cost and rent controlled.

3. I'm filing for bankruptcy.

All of these things have been going on as early as March. I feel like I've made a lot of progress with controlling my anxiety and my outlook on things but the last two or three weeks have been EXTREMELY difficult for me and I feel a lot of my old anxiety coming back and all the physical manifestiations of it, like the constant wrenching gut, headaches, and my jaw clenching/teeth grinding. I don't want to feel this way but it's really hard to control.

I'm very worried about all of these things but especially numbers 2 and 3. Everyone tells me not to worry but honestly, how can I not be worried? Especially when I'm trying to be as constructive as I possibly can about these things and I'm kind of waiting on other people at this point..

I feel like I'm in this weird purgatory... and I just want everything to be tied up in a neat little bow and be as little as a shit show as possible.

Someday I will actually post something relevant..

I started a new job on Tuesday. I have an awesome new uniform and everything...

Lion Tamer!! The lion I'm taming is named Toby.

And now for another scene from that cinematic masterpiece, Teen Witch (the best part is the guy in the red headband around 1:32:

Oh Lula, how I love thee..

I promise to start posting for reals soon but in the meantime: