I was reading old journal posts from 2005 around the time I met Jim, when Lizz moved to NY and when I moved to F1. It’s really eye opening now and it’s made me think about the past year.

2010 was a great year for me.

I started the year off rough all around and this last year was really transitionary for me. I think the biggest thing I learned is that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and just do something even if you’re not entirely sure where you’re going. If you try earnestly, I think your correct path will just appear in front of you.

Starting school again was the best thing I’ve done for myself and I’ve gotten way more out of it, and this year generally, than I ever expected. It was big and scary. School and the idea of learning about touching others. It’s been a very healing experience for me. I feel like I’ve opened up as a human being. I have so much more love in my heart than I ever thought possible and I feel like there are so many possibilities open to me.

Things that used to be big and scary for me just aren’t anymore and life is good.

I’m looking forward to what 2011 holds…

Hollow Heart

I've been trying to get in the habit of asking people for things I wouldn't normally ask anyone. Asking for their friendship or how I wish our friendship was.

This weekend was really hard for me. Nothing hurts more than watching people you care about fall away from you. I feel like someone ripped my heart out.

I've never noticed this so much before because I was so wrapped up in my own shit and not really living. It fucking hurts. It sucks.

Maybe I need to do a better job of asking people for things.

Blooming

Well, I'm at the halfway point. Someone who's been down this road said to all of us in the beginning that if you come into this with an open heart, that you won't come out as the same person that went in. It's amazing to see and feel all of these beautiful changes in myself.

Yeah, I haven't really had the time to do everything I wanted to do or change but emotionally, energetically, and spiritually I feel like I am in a metamorphosis. I feel like things are starting to come into alignment and that all of these other things I want to work on will start to fall into place if I continue to grow and open myself up to the possibilities to what my place in the world can be and how things could be.

I feel like I've come a very far way in such a short time and I think the biggest lessons I have learned so far is that everything will come together if you just let it happen and be the vessel for whatever the universe wants to happen, happen. If you try to impose your will or force it, it won't. It's not happening that way. I think this is the biggest lesson I could learn, for this work, and for my own intentions for myself.

I only really had this really click with me fairly recently and it has changed how I work and how I approach it and I'm very excited to see where this takes me.

I never expected to get so much out of this.

Choose Your Own Adventure

I feel like some things are at a crossroads for me.
I've decided if things do not go well, I'm not going to renew the lease on my apartment. I'll put all my stuff in storage and leave my babies with someone else for safe keeping.

I will have taken my national boards by then and I will apply for a job with Stiener. I'll go work in the Mediterranean making crappy money for 9 months but will have a lot of experience.

I will come back and go to Esalen for a month or two and by then I'll have decided what I'm doing.

Maybe I'll move to Hawaii. I've been told I could do quite well there just by the virtue of the education I will have. Or maybe California.

Or maybe I'll just come back here and go to acupuncture school and cross my fingers I can pay those student loans.

If things do not work out though, I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I'll go on an adventure.

Existentialism.

For many reasons I feel like I'm waiting for a new chapter of my life to start.
I'm making some progress but it's not enough. I'm getting restless and bored.

I want to formulate grand schemes. I want to leave New York from some yet to be determined location. I want to be more responsible about everything. I want a simpler way. I want to be near the water. I want a dog. I want to write. I want to make things. I want to create something larger than myself. I want to heal and be healed. I want to be free.

I feel like I'm waiting for this big thing to happen and I'm not sure what that big thing is.
Good or bad, I just want whatever-that-big-thing-is to hurry up and get here already. It's eating me up alive.

Crazy Talk.

I'm reading a really interesting book written in the eighties called the Body Electric. It's basically about how the body is wired neurologically speaking... and how and what causes the body to heal (at least some of it anyway).

I'm reading a whole section right now about how organisims like worms and salamanders regenerate limbs.

This book also talks about acupuncture and how it's basically like a more elaborate game of Operation. I haven't gotten there yet.

It's crazy but I've been dealing with a lot of my own spirituality the last several months and I find myself oscilating between ideas of atheisim and something along the lines of taoisim or something rooted in nauture. I've been reading books like this to try to come to come up with awnsers to the exisitance of God (I use the term "God" loosely because I do not believe in any sort of intellegent being that watches over me or cares for me).

You're probably wondering what I'm talking about..

I don't think in the grand marvelous scheme of the universe I matter. I find it comforting to know that I don't matter and that I got to be here for a point in time, and that when I'm gone, it'll be like I never was at all. I take great relief in knowing I am small. It's also comforting me that in the scheme of things there's nothing that separates me from the sofa I'm sitting on right now, my cat, or the tree outside my window. In the end, we are all matter and it's glorious to know that for right now, I am apart of this big beautiful, crazy organisim that makes up our world and our universe and that's enough for me.

The only thing that holds me back from being an athiest is that I believe all living things have an energy force around them or that they exude and that I can't let go the idea of the existance of the soul. Not a soul in an intellegent sense.. but something. There is clearly something different about someone or something that is alive vs something that is dead. There is something missing from a dead being.

Back to what I was getting at, I'm wanting to read books like this because I'm hoping learning about how the brain and the electric impulses of the body work will help me understand that maybe this whole idea of the "soul" or "energy" is made up and that really, it's just all in our wiring.

I think I would sleep better at night if I had an definitive answer.

Also I'm obsessed with Marian Diamond:

Watch it on Academic Earth